100 Days of Wonder – #89
Do you ever do the thing where you’re tired and should really go to bed but you don’t because you want to hang on to the feeling of something or because the day has been too people-y and you need you time. I don’t do it often, when I am tired, I go to bed and I sleep. But I do it sometimes and it is usually because there have been people around me all day, often but not necessarily staying at our house, and I need the quiet time when everyone has gone to bed. I also often do it on my birthday. It’s a balance on my birthday because I can’t stay up later than midnight because then it’s not my birthday anymore but I also like to linger with my own thoughts. You know by now that I need no invitation to reflect…
So today I am thinking about my last rotation round the sun (it’s been a pretty good one) and what the next might hold. I am thinking about creating my bubble in which I can just be, about who I am, who I was, who I want to be and all of those big questions. That reflection and sitting with those thoughts are restorative to me. They help me re-charge my batteries. I was thinking about this earlier and wondered why the solitude, quiet and reflection that I often crave in the late evening on my birthday has the same effect as being at Disney – re-charing me? Thinking about that I was drawn to the memory of a particular Disney experience – dinner at the California Grill at the top of the Contemporary Resort. And in particular watching the Magic Kingdom fireworks from the balcony. The picture is from the fireworks in January 2023 and even though the balcony was full of people, standing there, shivering slightly in the cool air, listening to the music through the restaurants speaker system and watching the night sky light up, it felt like it was just for us. And that feeling is replicated again and again with so many experiences at Disney. We are perhaps familiar with the saying that you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely and that’s definitely true but at Disney I can be surrounded by people, immersed in huge crowds in a way that would just be anxiety inducing anywhere else, and I can feel the same sense of just being me as I do in those rare moments of complete alone time at home. It seems its not about who else is there, it’s about a particular feeling and state of mind but one that I only experience in those late evenings when everyone else in the house is already asleep or at Disney World.
100 Days of Wonder – #77
There is a Disney Dwarf for every mood. Here’s a picture of my Christmas jumper (I also have a Christmas T-shirt and shirt – both Mickey Mouse) which captures today’s mood well. I am grumpy because I am watching FC St Pauli lose to Werder Bremen in the Bundesliga, because today hasn’t gone to plan, because I haven’t done my long run and because I have a cold. I also have ridiculous period pains and am generally a bit rage-y. Neither of us are feeling well enough to run. In fact we just walked down to the post office to post Christmas cards and then to the vet to pick up some tablets for Einstein-cat and were both wiped out when we got back.
So I am trying to just accept the fact that I have a cold and that my body is an interesting hormonal mess these days and just focus on what I can do. So I have sorted some more Christmas stuff, wrapped a couple of presents and finished the decorations in the dining room. I made some mince pies that have turned out quite well and when I was sat on the floor earlier wondering what the hell I was doing there (I think I just hadn’t got up yet from wrapping presents but who knows), I did some gentle stretching. So overall I am not actually unhappy being grumpy. Sometimes grumpy is good. And I do like my jumper. It makes me smile and I wore it to do the College visit the other day and it made lots of other people smile too. So maybe there is joy to be found in being grumpy sometimes.
100 Days of Wonder – #76
The stories we tell ourselves and each other are remarkably powerful. That power can be both positive and negative of course but they’re always our stories and they can always be retold. Our Christmas tree is full of stories. Here’s a picture of it. Tinkerbell at the top, Disney baubles galore….
The tree, or rather the decorations because it’s a real tree, tell the story of mine and Kath’s life together. Every decoration means something and one thing is added each year. So the tree tells the story of the first Christmas in our house nearly 19 years ago with 2 cattens that required sacrificial baubles strategically placed. It tells of our first Disney trip and all the ones that came after as we made our own tradition of buying a decoration from the Christmas Shop in the Magic Kingdom on each trip. There are stories of friendship and memories of friends who should still be here but died far too young. There are stories of childhood and our pasts and futures intertwining. Most of all there are stories of us finding ourselves. Our tree is a story of the complexity of who we are. It’s Disney, it’s kitch, it has some classy bits, some expensive bits, some old, some new, some bought, some given to us, it’s past and future and it’s always full of joy and wonder. It feels like our Christmas tree is a strong reminder that we have found our place in the world, that we no longer feel any need to conform to any expectations or norms, that we are comfortable with who we are and that we no longer care what others think. Maybe we’ve been like that for a long time, I’m not sure. But decorating the tree, talking about the baubles as we placed them, laughing, acknowledging the sadness of some memories and the joy of others, it felt like we are exactly who we we’re meant to be and that’s a great privilege indeed.
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