100 Days of Wonder – #94
Depression is a funny thing. I haven’t really felt it for a while. If anything I have struggled more with anxiety than with depression but I always know that it can come back. It barged in yesterday with its stories and exhaustion and it is lingering like an unwelcome house guest, giving no indication when it might leave. In some ways it’s ok. I know what this is. I am better at dealing with it than I used to be. It doesn’t mean I am unhappy. It means I have a brain full of stories about how I am not very good at anything, too fat to run, failing on all fronts and generally not worth bothering with. It also means I am a sort of tired that sits in your bones. I don’t want to do anything. I can’t actually rest either though because resting is just proof of my laziness. Why now? I don’t know. No obvious trigger and I am hoping that the black puppy won’t stay long. That it will come, tell its stories, realise I am not really listening and move on.
In the meantime I am slowly beginning to take down Christmas and make new memories ready for next year as I place things back in the Christmas box. I am also taking myself to places in my mind where the depression rarely follows: Disney World. Several times today I have imagined the walk from the Contemporary Resort to the Magic Kingdom. Every time the mix of memory and anticipation, because in a week’s time I will actually walk it, has brought me joy. The black puppy just sits waiting for an opportunity to remind me not to be in any photos because I’ll just look horrible and fat. It’s waiting to inform me that I won’t make it round the Dopey Challenge because I am useless and that I am probably best just staying in Florida because the work that awaits when I get back will be too hard anyway… So let’s just let it sit there, spinning it’s stories. We can tell a different one with every step we walk along this path:
100 Days of Wonder – #91
I forgot yesterday! After 90 days of really diligently remembering and wanting to blog – sometimes, but not that often, writing several posts at once and scheduling them, yesterday I just never thought about it. Maybe just a symptom of being in the post Christmas, pre New Year liminality. In my defence I didn’t feel great yesterday. Nothing specific, just a weird sort of meh (Kath said I was Eyore-ish). And, I was lost in my book in a way that happens rarely because I now so rarely read for pleasure. .
So here’s me and the Bear of Very Little Brain in 2019 to remind myself not to be cross with myself for breaking the run. Instead I am being kind, marvelling at the fact that I did 90 posts in a row without missing one and just giving you this post with another to follow this evening. I’m also acknowledging that the is joy and wonder to be had in days just lost to being and reading and that yesterday was not a wasted day but a proper rest day. I think the Bear would approve. I’m also quite excited now about seeing Winnie the Pooh again soon. He gives reassuring hugs and once tried to kidnap Kath’s Mum – but maybe that’s a whole other story.
Happy whatever day it is today!
100 Days of Wonder – #77
There is a Disney Dwarf for every mood. Here’s a picture of my Christmas jumper (I also have a Christmas T-shirt and shirt – both Mickey Mouse) which captures today’s mood well. I am grumpy because I am watching FC St Pauli lose to Werder Bremen in the Bundesliga, because today hasn’t gone to plan, because I haven’t done my long run and because I have a cold. I also have ridiculous period pains and am generally a bit rage-y. Neither of us are feeling well enough to run. In fact we just walked down to the post office to post Christmas cards and then to the vet to pick up some tablets for Einstein-cat and were both wiped out when we got back.
So I am trying to just accept the fact that I have a cold and that my body is an interesting hormonal mess these days and just focus on what I can do. So I have sorted some more Christmas stuff, wrapped a couple of presents and finished the decorations in the dining room. I made some mince pies that have turned out quite well and when I was sat on the floor earlier wondering what the hell I was doing there (I think I just hadn’t got up yet from wrapping presents but who knows), I did some gentle stretching. So overall I am not actually unhappy being grumpy. Sometimes grumpy is good. And I do like my jumper. It makes me smile and I wore it to do the College visit the other day and it made lots of other people smile too. So maybe there is joy to be found in being grumpy sometimes.
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