100 Days of Wonder – #32
Every story needs a villain. Does it though? Couldn’t we write our stories without someone having to be the villain? Is it just easier to write yourself as the good guy if there is a bad guy to contrast with? I’ve been thinking about this because recently I have had lots of conversations about the the state of Higher Education in England and the impact it is having on academics. Inevitably conversations turn to toxic workplaces and the villains of our stories. And of course I like to think I am one of the good guys, I like to think that I have used the privilege and power I have as a force for good, to champion and lift others, to help change the world and make it just a little bit brighter. I also like to think that I, like the Disney heroes have fought my battles and come through. But I also know that I am the villain in the stories others might tell. A shift of perspective and suddenly I am all the things that have been said about me. I have been thinking about this since I first mentioned this in a post 10 days ago or so. The Hero/Villain dichotomy just doesn’t work. Our lives and who we are are far too complex for that but we like to simplify things and the thing is, if we can point to a villain in our story then we must be the hero. If there is a bad guy then we must be a good guy and if there is evil then we are the good that triumphs. But I’m not any of those things. I’m not a hero or a good guy and I am not some abstract good that defeats some abstract evil. I am, like all of us, deeply flawed and complex. I do think we struggle to write our stories without a villain because defining who we are is so much easier with reference to something else. The Scarlet Witch in Marvel says ‘I don’t need you to tell me who I am’ but actually we do need to other characters in our stories to be able to define who we are or are not. Binaries, dichotomies, black and white… it’s all easy and it’s a way of telling ourselves that we’re ok. I do still struggle to see how some of the people in my story are anything other than villains. I find it hard to see how to rewrite those stories in a way that doesn’t position me on one side and them on the other and then conceptualises one side as good and the other as evil. But that’s never going to be helpful because while it may be true that there were sides, the rest is less clear and depends on whether you ask them or me. And maybe my overly reflective nature doesn’t help here. I tend to look back and overthink and dwell on the past and that lends itself to rewriting our stories. But, as one of Disney/Marvel’s heroes and villains said ‘Don’t Look Back. The Past Is Exactly Where It Belongs‘ (The Scarlet Witch). That might be the key. Look forward in your story and treat every new character with kindness. If we all do that maybe none of the rest really matters. But while we figure out how to do that, there is always a Disney Villains parade where you can see the line up of all the bad guys we love to hate.
100 days of Wonder – #25
I used my random day off to run at Bolton Abbey this morning and running is a great time to reflect. I never know where my brain will go but today it took me to something I overheard on the train a week or so ago (I have no idea what the actual conversation was about because it was a phone call and I only had one side of it). First the classic ‘Well everything happens for a reason’ which was quickly followed by ‘yeah but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right’ and then a little while into the conversation came my favourite ‘But all the things that have happened to you, they make you who you are, you wouldn’t be where you are now without all that’.
I have had a few comments on the picture for this post and others from the 2019 Disney trip. Apparently I look good and I look happy. I suspect the ‘good’ actually means ‘thinner than at almost any other point in your life’ but that’s a whole separate post. Anyway, when I look at the picture I definitely remember happy in that moment. I also remember the feeling of being marathon fit (I miss that). However, there is also real deep tiredness, there’s depression, there’s sky high anxiety, there’s doubt about work and next steps although it’s over 2 years before I eventually did make a move. So as I was running today, I was thinking about everything that led up to me in this photo and everything that has happened since and found myself furious at the sentiments I had overheard and actually have also been guilty of thinking if not actually saying. Everything happens for a reason? Fuck no. Even if we ignore current global horrors and just think about this in a really selfish ‘Jess’ little world’ way, I refuse to believe that the bad things that have happened to loved ones have a reason – in the sense that they lead to something more positive or meaningful in the future. They’re just bad things that happened to good people. As for what hasn’t killed me… well has it made me stronger. Doubt it. To be where I am in the photo and where I am now, happy in so many moments of my life, I must have been incredibly strong already. The career littered with toxic people and grade A narcissists didn’t make me stronger. I came through it because I was already strong. Those things made me more anxious, more cautious, more independent, more reluctant to ask for help and less trusting. They did not make me stronger. As for the ‘but they make you who you are and you wouldn’t be where you are now’… see previous sentence, we have a more anxious, cautious and suspicious me – that’s not a good thing. And yes, of course all of the things in my life make me who I am and without some of the experiences I wouldn’t be where I am now. To be clear, I like where I am now BUT it would have been lovely to, over the last say 12 years or so, not experience being off sick for months because I couldn’t actually get out of bed, not experience complete burnout and brain shutting down, not deal with almost daily micro aggressions and gaslighting. Think of all the joy and wonder that toxic workplaces can suck out of everything. So next time one of those meaningless platitudes pops into your head – whether you’re about to say it to someone else or to yourself, Stop. They’re just gaslighting. Being happy now doesn’t make past trauma ok. Being happy at some unspecified point in the future, doesn’t make something happening now worthwhile or ok. We can do better than that. As for the happy, good looking lass in the picture – I’m proud of her. She’s awesome.
100 Days of Wonder – #24
Yesterday I said I would write about the places in Disney I got to for quiet and calm (other than the Winnie the Pooh ride already mentioned). I haven’t got the headspace to find the photos this evening so instead let’s talk about sleep! Disney beds are comfy! The towl art we got from the mousekeepers last time was spectacular – we got something new daily and it adds a spark of magic. But sleep. It can be tempting at Disney to be on the go all the time. If you do rope drop to fireworks it’s a long day and the number of overtired children and adults is scary! For me part of the magic is being able to come back to the hotel for an afternoon nap. I rarely lie in at Disney and I like the fireworks but rarely have a really late night, but I do like an afternoon nap. But the fear of missing out and not making the most of the holiday can be real. It can feel wasteful to have a nap and sleep away the holiday. Bon Jovi’s Sleep when I’m Dead comes to mind… But that doesn’t make sense to me. I have always been exceptionally good at sleeping. Apparently I slept through early as a baby, I used to sleep 12 hours a night easily, I used to nap (completely sober) in nightclubs as a student. I can sleep. I watch all these people rushing round Disney, ticking things off the list, insisting everything is seen and done and everyone is tired and miserable and not really enjoying anything. Sleep could help with that! In fact sleep helps with most things. I have stopped trying to reduce sleep time to get stuff done. If anything I need to sleep more if work is piling up and I need to be efficient and productive. And I know this, I have always known this and yet every now and again I seem to forget. That’s a warning and one I am now much better at taking seriously. Lots of sleep for me is essential. 8 hours a night minimum and every so often a few days of hibernation are blissful. If there is one thing I really do know I am good at, it’s sleeping! And that makes me really lucky because EVERYTHING is better after a proper night’s sleep – particularly if you wake up at Disney!
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